Push Hard

A mom post tonight…

I love my job. I really and truly do. Like becoming a mother, it was the one thing I always knew that I wanted to do. I would spend my childhood summers planted at the pool and when asked I would tell everyone that I wanted to be a lifeguard. To take that childhood passion and actually be able to parlay it into a career has been one of my most joyous accomplishments. I get a satisfaction and fulfillment from work that I don’t get anywhere else

Only recently have I discovered a downfall to this job. Since Lily’s cardiac arrest I have struggled with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) – especially at work. I’m in an environment where our main goal is to ensure that our staff are ready to react in a moments notice and to react to the highest standard. It’s what I’ve been doing since I was 15 years old, as a lifeguard myself, a trainer or a programmer.  And every once in a while (and more often than I would like), we end up talking/hearing about situations that have happened at one of our sites – we come together and talk about how it went and what could be learned and taken away. These moments now fill me with dread. As soon as people start talking I can feel myself get clammy and cold and my hands start to shake. I try to take deep breaths and calm myself down, I even leave the room to try and keep it at bay,  but I’m always brought back to the moment of Lily’s arrest and knowing that I failed her – and myself. When someone stands in the front of a room and tells us that EMS says that we can “never push hard enough” (during CPR) I’m filled with guilt – knowing that I couldn’t push at all. And even though I know, in my head, that I’m the only one thinking it, I can’t help but feel as though If I were to repeat my story to this group of co-workers, who all share the same common work goal, all they would see is failure.

PS – I know that it’s one day after Adoption Day and I should still just be reeling from happiness but sometimes that’s the downfall for sharing this journey with us – there are ups and down’s and they come whether we like it or not.

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3 thoughts on “Push Hard

  1. Crystal I’m so sure that you did everything you could have done. I’m also just as sure that there was a reason why you couldn’t push on Lily and God was making that decision for you! Please believe in this. I’m sure everyone else believes you did everything you could have done!
    xoxoxo
    A. Bev

  2. Lily has been blessed to have you in her life and nothing can stand in the way of that! You would never be a failure in my eyes or those of your co-workers, family or friends. We all know how difficult the real life situation is and no one wants to ever face what you did….
    You have tremendous strength and have devoted your life and love to a little girl who is extremely vulnerable. Few people willingly take on the challenges you face everyday. Your love for Lily is so apparent in all that you do. Allow yourself to move on from that day in true peace, knowing that you have blessed this little girl with the most loving and caring parents that she could ever hope for!
    Nikki

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